WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fire Administration has outlawed all mustaches on firefighters after a near choking incident. Understandably, this new safety regulation is not sitting well with the rank-and-file.
"Last week a firefighter required emergency medical treatment when his long mustache became lodged in his throat," a USFA official said. "It appears that he was sleeping at the time and sucked the facial hair into his windpipe. Our primary concern is for firefighter safety and so we've taken quick and decisive action."
The official said that it is very likely that similar incidents have gone unreported.
Already a large number of firefighters are converging on Washington, D.C. in what they are calling "Save the 'Stache" and "Occupy the Lip" protests.
But one industry leader is already on board with the new rule. In a firehouse ceremony, Chief Harry Fayse shaved his trademark mustache.
"We're committed to the safety of our firefighting men and women, no matter the cost," Chief Fayse said. "Frankly, I feel 10 pounds lighter."
Meanwhile, doctors are advising Chief Fayse and others to take extra care when working outdoors. They're advising a SPF 100-strength sunblock to protect the upper lip region from skin cancer, especially given that these regions may not have had direct exposure to the sun in decades.