Editor’s note: A version of this article first appeared in a Front Line Mobile Health customer quarterly newsletter. It has been adapted for FireRescue1 and updated with new information.
By John Sherwood
July 16, 2016. Just another hot Saturday in Texas. I was B-shift battalion chief and the dive team coordinator for the Grapevine Fire Department.
My family and I were driving home from my oldest son’s club basketball game when my phone buzzed: a drowning on Grapevine Lake. I pulled up the radio app so I could listen and decide whether to respond after dropping my family at home. Within minutes it was clear the victim was one of our own, James McKenzie. I pressed the accelerator, and my wife gently warned me not to cause an accident.
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When I arrived on scene, I checked in with command and started monitoring the operation. It was tense, but everyone was following the book: last-seen point marked, sonar scanning, diver in the water searching.
The diver and the tender on shore kept complaining about the tether rope, the line we use for communication, kept catching on something. That’s common as it usually snags on a rock or a stump. We decided to pull the diver in and reset.
As the diver swam back and the tender hauled in the rope, they both remarked on how heavy the tether rope felt. I was standing on the shore above a steep drop-off when the diver reached me, about three feet below. We were discussing our next move when he said quietly, “I think I’m standing on him.”
While the diver was swimming his pattern, James had become entangled in the tether rope. I told the diver, “Reach down and see what you’re standing on.” He said, “It’s him.” Another firefighter was nearby. I calmy called to him, “We have James.” The three of us pulled James’s lifeless body from the water.
James wasn’t just a teammate. He was a strong young firefighter, a member of the dive team, a talented member of our public education team, and a man of deep faith. My oldest son had even taken his recreational dive certification course alongside James, so we’d spent a lot of weekends together.
Our department was unfortunate to have faced several off-duty tragedies like this over the years — multiple cancer deaths, a suicide, a vehicle accident and a member murdered. All these deaths stung, but like so many of us in public safety, I did what we are trained to do after these instances and I carried on.
Fast forward to retirement
April 2023. I retired and started working for Front Line Mobile Health, excited for a new challenge.
The first year flew by. I was everywhere from Colorado, Georgia, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Tennessee. Our new executive team took a business-planning trip to Guatemala. My wife and I, along with one of my closest fire department friends and his wife, went to Peru and hiked to Machu Picchu. It was fun, fast-paced, and honestly, exciting. I didn’t slow down until January 2025.
At first, it was subtle. I would think about James’ death occasionally. A few mornings each week I woke up uneasy and nauseated. I couldn’t eat until noon. The symptoms came and went, and because I was still exercising and staying active, I brushed them off. At Front Line we’re fortunate that everyone is encouraged to take our own physical. I did. Everything looked fine so I kept going.
By April, the symptoms were daily and something bigger had emerged. James’s death started replaying in my mind on a more frequent basis, not just a fleeting thought anymore. At first it was two or three times a day, then so often I lost count. I was still walking or running every day, but I stopped lifting weights. I felt drained. I kept up with my work duties, but each day became a battle.
Asking for help
My wife knew about my physical symptoms, but I finally told her about replaying James’ death and how I needed to figure this out.
My first call was to Erika from The Readiness Group. Back at Grapevine, when we built our first peer support team, Erika and I had formed a strong bond. We also shared the fact that her husband was a U.S. Air Force pilot and my son was just starting his pilot training for the Air Force. I told her everything. We agreed that I needed to tackle both the mental and physical sides.
To look at things physically, I went to Carencia Mental Healthcare, a group Erika trusted. Lab work showed high cortisol and low omega levels. I started supplements for the omega levels right away.
To address the mental side, I went to see Kim at Forged in Valor Counseling. She dove right in. We reviewed the science of trauma and EMDR, and she gave me coping tools to start using. We started EMDR therapy on my first visit. I’ll admit, I always thought EMDR sounded like voodoo science. However, after trying it, my experience has been that it is a real treatment. There is strong neuroscience data supporting its use. I know it does not work for everyone in every situation. It is a tool in the therapist’s toolbox.
Where I am now
I went through six months of counseling, which concluded in December 2025. I can say honestly that I am doing much better now. I continue to heal and make progress, and while I know this is not a finish line, I am in a far healthier place than when I first began this journey. Counseling gave me a different perspective, not just on trauma itself, but on how I respond to it.
The daily ruminations are gone, my physical symptoms have eased, and I have tools now that I did not have before. Most importantly, I no longer feel like I am being affected by experiences I thought I had already processed.
I knew this intuitively but never fully realized it until now that health and wellness are not abstract concepts or annual checkboxes. They are daily, intentional practices. Trauma does not live only in the mind, it lives in the body as well. Counseling helped me understand that strength is not pushing through at all costs. Real strength is recognizing when your nervous system is in survival mode and choosing a different response. There is a space between stimulus and response, and in that space, I must breathe, ground myself and respond intentionally rather than reactively. Healing requires active participation, patience and a willingness to accept progress over perfection.
Here is what I know to be true and want to share with everyone active and retired first responder:
- The mind and body are connected. Chronic cortisol surges ramp up your heart rate and blood pressure, slow digestion, suppress your immune system, and can cause abnormally high levels of glucose. These effects linger long after the stressor is gone. Mental health is physical health.
- First responders are at high risk. Most people in the general population may face one or two significant traumas in a lifetime. Public safety professionals experience hundreds of traumatic events over the course of their career.
- Most active-duty first responders now have resources. Departments now recognize how serious mental health issues are and support their personnel while they are on the job.
- The effects of trauma don’t follow a schedule. Once you hang up the badge, the effects of trauma do not go away. I have no idea why James’ death was the call that got stuck and came back years later. No one is immune no matter how tough you think you are.
Final thoughts
Trauma can resurface once you retire or leave the world of public safety. If my story does anything, I hope it reminds you to care for your mental health as much as your physical health. Chiefs, please check in on those who have served in your departments and retired, and consider offering post-retirement mental health support if you do not already. We must be here to support not only our members’ physical health needs but their mental health needs as well. We owe it to each other. We owe it to ourselves.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
John Sherwood, FSCEO, CFE, licensed paramedic, is the chief of staff for Front Line Mobile Health. Sherwood worked for the City of Grapevine (Texas) Fire Department where he rose through the ranks to assistant fire chief of Support, Planning and Administration. He retired after 26 years of service, joining Frontline Mobile Health in April 2023. He holds bachelor’s degrees in marketing and fire protection safety engineering technology and a master’s degree in fire and emergency management administration all from Oklahoma State University.
