Conversations about leadership have become increasingly difficult for me to engage in. Too often, I hear managers discuss leadership in terms of traits, what should be present, what should be emulated, without answering an important question: Do we truly understand what it means to be a leader?
I’ve sat in job interviews where I’m asked, “What type of leader are you?” I give the familiar response about being a transformational leader who values development, insight and experience. I’ve also sat on the other side of the table, asking that same question and hearing a wide range of answers. But one conversation with a colleague has stuck with me more than all the others.
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A not-so-simple question
My colleague shared a story from military basic training. He and another recruit were assigned a simple task: March several blocks to retrieve an item and return. Along the way, they were stopped by a drill instructor and asked a question, “Which one of you is in charge?”
Understandably, my colleague said that he and his friend were confused by the question. They had joined the military together through a buddy program, progressed through training side by side, and saw themselves as equals. Their explanations didn’t satisfy the drill instructor. He asked again. And again. When the answers didn’t change, the questions and tone intensified:
- “Which one of you has more time in service?”
- “Which one signed up first?”
- “Which one arrived on base first?”
None of the answers established authority. Eventually, simply to end the interrogation, my colleague said he was in charge. The questioning stopped. The discipline began.
Time to step up
The drill instructor pulled my colleague aside and sharply pointed out that his partner was out of uniform, citing the exact regulation without hesitation. In that moment, my colleague learned the value of taking responsibility and not wasting time trying to figure out who is in charge. I took something else from the story.
What stood out to me wasn’t that someone had to be in charge, it was how much time was wasted before anyone was willing to step up and take responsibility. Too often, we spin our wheels deciding who should lead instead of raising our hand and saying, “I’m responsible.”
In the fire service we encounter this same moment every day, at the station, on scenes and on project teams, where someone has to stop waiting for permission and take responsibility. It’s easy to look at the person with the most rank. But leadership goes beyond titles and positional authority.
Good leaders seek input from others. That’s necessary and appropriate. But once sufficient information has been gathered, a decision must be made. Leadership shows up in that moment. Whether formal, functional or informal, leaders make decisions with limited, conflicting or incomplete information, and they own the outcome.
Making a decision, taking responsibility for it and learning from it is foundational to leadership. If you’re present and willing to step forward, leadership exists. The real question is how comfortable you are being present when it’s time to lead.
Who’s in charge?
That being said, if everyone is a leader, then who is in charge? We must first examine whether being a leader is the same as being in charge.
In the story I shared about my colleague in basic training, the drill instructor wasn’t asking who the leader was; he was asking who was in charge, who was responsible for the team of two. Both individuals could potentially exhibit leadership traits. A person can demonstrate initiative, influence others and act with integrity without holding formal authority. But that does not necessarily mean they are in charge. Leadership can be shared and influence can exist at every level, but responsibility for the outcome cannot. In fact, I would argue that a real leader is someone who can relinquish formal authority without diminishing their credibility or their willingness to be accountable. The title itself is not what defines leadership. Ownership does.
I find that front line supervisors and managers conflate leadership with being in charge. They lean on positional authority without fully understanding that the goal should be to have others view you as a leader, not you defining yourself as being a leader. I view it similarly to the trait of humility. When you have to tell someone you’re humble, you’ve diminished the point. Leadership works the same way. Others determine whether you are a leader based on how you consistently behave.
How you interact with your environment matters. Have you ever walked into a room and knew who the leaders were? Not necessarily the person in charge, but the people whose presence carried weight. Integrity, humility, compassion, optimism, confidence not arrogance, resilience, trust in others, flexibility in thought, strategic vision — these qualities are difficult to measure, but easy to recognize. We naturally want to gravitate toward these people, wanting them to guide us. There is comfort in knowing these people are present, and we find ourselves looking forward to them being on our team. Over time, being “in charge” often lands on them not because they seek it, but because others trust them to carry the responsibility.
Presence is earned
So, how do you become one of these valued individuals? I believe being a leader is about being present, being willing, and shifting our mindset to realize that someone is always taking note of our character. On many occasions I must remind myself that every day is a job interview. Someone is always taking inventory on the way I act and react to my environment and circumstances. It’s about making sure the focus is centered on learning and coaching. Learning about yourself and the qualities of your team members, along with coaching one another on how these qualities will strengthen the team.
I have heard and preached these concepts countless times. But how do we achieve this goal? First, we must build relationships so that we are allowed into a person’s inner circle. Garnering trust, fostering belonging and effectively managing conflict can help build lasting bonds that bring people together. This doesn’t mean that a leader is always successful in all of these areas. In fact, it’s typically through failure in these areas that leaders learn more about themselves.
What ultimately defines us as leaders is our perseverance of thought and action. It’s about incremental progress, not forced perfection. Many leaders find themselves in a regular state of feeling unstable and uncomfortable as they become the beacon of stability and comfort for others.
When interests compete
At times, leadership can be unsettling. People are dynamic, unpredictable and complex. They don’t always play by the same rules you follow, and that reality becomes especially clear when competing interests enter the picture.
I’ve been through countless leadership training programs and read more leadership books than I care to mention. Many share a common theme: Provide a set of principles to help leaders navigate difficult human interactions and restore balance. Those principles matter. They are essential for team building and goal achievement. But there is a question those programs rarely address: What happens when the other person has no interest in balance as you define it?
Daily, leaders must come to the realization that not everyone will want to find balance, or at least the leader’s definition of balance. Competing interests, limited patience and similar leadership skills can make even straightforward roles exhausting. Traditional leadership training often assumes that difficult interactions stem from misunderstanding and that both parties are working toward the same outcome. Sometimes, that assumption is wrong.
When I stepped into my role as a fire department lieutenant, I inherited a crew that looked steady on paper. Calls were answered. Reports were turned in. There were no obvious discipline issues. From the outside, it appeared functional. But every shift felt heavier than it should have.
One firefighter in particular stood out, not because of poor performance, but rather how precisely he performed. He followed policy to the letter. No shortcuts. No extra effort. He knew the rules well and used them like armor. When I tried collaboration, he agreed. When I set expectations, he complied selectively. When I offered feedback, he listened politely and waited for the moment to pass.
I did what leadership training had taught me to do. I listened more. I adjusted my tone. I tried to find balance between accountability and empathy, between standards and understanding. I assumed that if I worked hard enough, common ground would eventually reveal itself. However, it didn’t.
What I discovered was that he wasn’t looking for balance, at least not mine. He already had balance, defined on his terms. His interest wasn’t growth, alignment or shared ownership of the crew. His interest was control, predictability and preserving the leverage he had earned over time. He understood leadership principles just fine. He simply didn’t share my objectives.
That was the moment I realized something leadership courses rarely talk about: Not every difficult interaction is rooted in misunderstanding, and not every challenge can be solved with better communication. Some situations are the result of competing interests.
No amount of patience was going to change that. No reframing of expectations would realign incentives. And no amount of what I now think of as “leadership judo” was going to move someone who wasn’t leaning into the throw.
So, I stopped chasing balance where it didn’t exist. I became clearer instead of more flexible. More consistent instead of more accommodating. I focused on what I could control: standards, follow-through and the environment I set for everyone else. I didn’t win him over, but I stopped allowing one person’s agenda to shift the center of gravity for the entire crew.
That experience taught me a hard but necessary lesson: Leadership isn’t always about harmony. Sometimes it’s about recognizing when balance is a shared pursuit, and when it isn’t. When it isn’t, clarity and decisive action beats compromise every time.
The cost of presence
If leadership were easy, everyone would excel at it. I agree that not all leaders are created equal, but the point of this article is not to define authority or elevate titles. Leadership is about presence. It’s about being willing to show up for your people, invite them into the process, manage conflict when it arises, and make decisions with clarity and intent.
I didn’t say this was an easy path. Leadership can be tiring, tense, confusing and at times lonely. It often comes with doubt. But when done well, it is also deeply rewarding. Each decision leads to new insight, about the situation, the people involved and yourself. Growth rarely comes from certainty; it comes from ownership.
The key is to recognize that leadership doesn’t require perfection. It requires willingness. If you are present and willing to step up, leadership exists. What matters most is the readiness to take responsibility for decisions, even when they are difficult, uncomfortable or unpopular.
My challenge to you is simple: Be present, raise your hand, and be a leader.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Michael A. Cunningham serves as fire chief of Cobb County Fire & Emergency Services, where he provides executive leadership for a large, metropolitan all-hazards fire department. Since joining the organization in 2005, Chief Cunningham has progressed through the ranks, bringing a strong emphasis on organizational effectiveness, operational readiness and leadership development. Chief Cunningham holds a Ph.D. in Industrial/Organizational Psychology and an MBA, along with multiple technical and professional degrees. He is a recipient of the Chief Fire Officer (CFO) designation through the CPSE Commission on Professional Credentialing and is a graduate of the University of Georgia’s Carl Vinson Institute of Government EXCEL Management Development Program. Chief Cunningham is committed to advancing professionalism in the fire service through accreditation, credentialing, and leadership development, and is honored to serve as a Commissioner on the CPSE Commission on Professional Credentialing. Dr. Cunningham can be reached via email.
